“I’m fine.”
Two words that we hear and say almost daily. And yet, how often are they actually true?
This week, I was reminded how much can hide behind those words. I had a conversation with someone who, if you were just listening casually, seemed to have it all together. Calm voice. Kind smile. Polished answers. But as I slowed down, made room for silence, and simply listened, something shifted. What was really going on began to surface. And it was clear. They weren’t fine. They were fraying. Barely holding on.
That experience stayed with me. Not because it was rare, but because it is far too common.
We are surrounded by people wearing masks.
The Masks We Wear
The mask might look like confidence, productivity, humor, or perfection.
But underneath, there can be pain, grief, exhaustion, or self-doubt.
Even those who seem the strongest may be quietly slipping under the weight of it all.
I heard Jelly Roll’s “I Am Not Okay” again this week. I’m sure I’ve heard it before, but this time I really listened. Maybe it was because of a few conversations I had. People who, on the surface, seemed like they were managing just fine but were actually barely hanging on. Come to think of it, there were several like that.
This time, the lyrics struck a chord. They echoed what so many are quietly feeling.
Sometimes the bravest thing we can say is simply, “I’m not okay.”
We All Do It
I’ll admit it. I’ve done the same. Someone asks, “How are you?” and I answer without thinking,
“I’m doing okay.” Even when I’m not.
We are conditioned to keep going. To show up. To stay strong. We fulfill roles and meet expectations, many of which are self-imposed. We fear letting others down. Or maybe we fear what will happen if we actually let it all out.
And yet, something powerful happens when we take the mask off. When we let someone see what is really going on.
Even more powerful is when we create space for someone else to do the same.
Holding Space Is Not Passive. It Is Leadership.
Holding space is an act of leadership.
It is the decision to slow down, to stop fixing, and to stop rushing to respond.
It is choosing to be present, to really see and hear another person without judgment or a need to solve anything.
Whether in families, teams, communities, or friendships, people do not need us to be perfect problem-solvers.
They need us to be safe. Trustworthy. Willing to sit in the messiness of life with them.
Here is what that looks like in practice:
- Ask, “How are you really?” and mean it.
- Listen with your eyes, your heart, and your posture – not just your ears.
- Resist the urge to interrupt with silver linings or quick fixes.
- Say things like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I’m here for you.”
- Trust that their healing does not require your control. Just your care.
Holding space is one of the most meaningful ways we can live with intention.
It invites us to slow down and engage with depth rather than speed. It calls us to choose connection over convenience.
Self-Leadership in the Hard Spaces
Leading others begins with how we lead ourselves.
So what do you do when it is you who is not okay?
When the world feels like it is crumbling, and you are still trying to show up for everyone else?
You take off the mask. Even if just for a moment.
You check in with yourself.
- What am I feeling?
- What am I pretending is not there?
- What do I need, right now, in this moment?
And then you give yourself permission to be fully human. Not perfect. Not polished. Not pretending.
That is not weakness. That is wisdom.
Softness Is Strength
Leadership is not always bold and loud. Sometimes it is soft, quiet, and gentle.
It is in the pause before the response.
In the eye contact that says, “You are safe here.”
In the willingness to say, “Me too.”
We live in a world that praises productivity and perfection. But real connection – the kind that changes people – requires presence and vulnerability.
You do not have to solve everything.
You do not have to always be okay.
But you can choose to lead with compassion.
You can hold space.
You can live intentionally, even in the hard seasons.
And that might be the greatest gift you give someone this week, including yourself.
Nicole Ensmenger COTA/L, CMLC
Strategic Growth Partner
Nicole@TinkerN.org
Small Shifts. Big Transformation.“We cannot BECOME what we want by remaining what we are” –Max DePree